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Anticipatory
Grief
by Jennifer Kay,
L.C.S.W.
When we think of grief, we generally think of the
process and feelings we experience after someone dies.
In reality we begin this process on the day someone
we love is diagnosed with a life threatening illness.
This process of mourning before someone we love has
died is called anticipatory grief. According to noted
grief expert, Dr. Therese Rando, anticipatory grief
refers to the process in which we begin to mourn past,
present and future losses.
 Anticipatory
grief is experienced by care recipient and Caregiver
from different perspectives. For instance, the care
recipient mourns the loss of their previous body image,
changes in their physical and mental abilities and possibly
career loss. The role of the care recipient in the family
may change. A breadwinner may no longer provide for
the family or a homemaker may no longer be able to manage
the home independently. The Caregiver frequently takes
on these additional roles, while caring for their loved
one and dealing with their own feelings. Both loved
ones and Caregivers are grieving for the way life was
and mourn the deterioration of the care recipient’s
health. Frequently, the inability of friends and family
members to manage their own discomfort with illness
and death may cause the care recipient and the Caregiver
to be isolated.
During the course of the illness there will be many
losses for the care recipient and primary Caregiver.
These may include; intimacy, sex, privacy, independence,
dreams, partnership, dignity, money, control, intellectual
stimulation, friendship and family position. These losses
will produce accompanying feelings of anger, sadness,
depression, and abandonment. It is common for both the
care recipient and Caregiver to feel isolated, invisible,
and numb.
A long term illness leaves a person with a "mixed
bag" of feelings. As you watch someone you love
in pain, you may wish them to be out of their misery.
This feeling can be followed feelings of guilt and remorse,
that we "wished" this person to die. Discussing
these feelings is a survival necessity. Care recipients
and Caregivers need someone to hear and validate their
feelings. Both parties require information about the
illness, support and the means to maintain control over
their lives, as they make the arduous journey towards
death. Family members and close friends can be good
sources of support, but if they are either physically
or emotionally unavailable, support groups and mental
health professionals can be a great source of support.
Jennifer Kay, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in
private practice. She can be reached at mswkay@aol.com,
or phone 305-785-8388.
Published with permission from Caregiver.com: Copyright
© caregiver.com, Inc. 1995–2004. All rights
reserved.
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